Dimitar Berbatov is…The Continental

Well hello there.

I see you caught me blowing a very serious, very determined and very perfect bubble. Do you find this arousing? Because you should. My sideburns and windblown widow’s peak complement the bubble exceptionally well. As does my overpowering sense of self-worth and talent for everything. Yes, that includes unrequested massages and erotic origami — two things that I realize you didn’t ask about, but were probably hoping I would mention anyway. Ha-HA!

But back to my bubble. It’s quite exquisite, isn’t it? … Well, you and I both know that your attempt to seem nauseous and disinterested is just a cover for the uncontrollable lust you’re feeling right now for the Berba-bubble. … Yes, I know that uncontrollable means you can’t control it and that what I just said doesn’t make sense. That was a test. And since you passed sensual ease, that means you win a special reward. … Well, how do you know that you don’t want it even before you hear what it is? … How do you know it’s something perverted and not a free trip to Hawaii, all expenses paid for two weeks? … OK, it is something perverted, but it could have been a free trip to Hawaii. Ha-HA!

Of course, I do realize that sitting around, blowing flawless Berba-bubbles isn’t up to The Berba’s usual exciting standard of occasionally scoring an infinite number of goals, but it’s an international break. What else am I to do besides blow Berba-bubbles and woo you with those Berba-bubbles into having a passionate encounter in a McDonald’s bathroom? …Ha-HA! Play international football? Why would I ever want to do that again?

Oh-OHHH! My Berba-bubble just popped all over my face. It’s in my hair and everything! Oh, it wasn’t even that big, how could it have gotten in so many places? Oh, this is terrible. And yet, I can’t help but feel excited over the many enjoyable ways you will have to clean all of this up.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of…The Continental…

Photo: Reuters